I think today is the first time I admitted to even myself that I am not in a good place and I am struggling mentally. I tried and tried to push it down and to try and forget about the bad parts but its impossible. Eight months on from when my whole world came crashing down around me and I thought by now I would be ok, I’m not… I have never been, I just pretend and put on a happy face to benefit those around me, so they don’t have to help me through anything, and today I realised why.
I had an awful dream last night, as we all know April 1st is April fools day, I had a dream that Dan came round and told me he had made a huge mistake and he was sorry, I believed every second of it until he laughed in my face and told me April fools! Even my mind is playing horrible tricks on me! So I was in a down mood to wake up with, then I came downstairs to my washing machine broken with all of my work uniforms in so I had to go to work with trousers that didn’t fit right, a t-shirt I wasn’t comfortable in and I was pissed, I was angry and I was just not in a good place, and I was in a “bad mood” I didn’t have a smile on my face and I wasn’t going to pretend to be happy, I wasn’t – and people noticed – comments were made and I felt drained. Then I remembered back to when I first started working again, just two and half weeks after the worst day of my life and I was away from my three amazing babies when I really didn’t want to be, I had to leave them because I had no choice, if I wanted to provide them with everything they needed, I had to go back to work. I had that perfect smile plastered on my face and everyone at work thought that I was ok, no one genuinely asked, no one wanted to I don’t think but I wasn’t ok. Every work day I would wake up dreading my start time, and as it drew nearer that smile kept coming back to help me through yet another day of doing something I didn’t want to do through no choice of my own. Until one day I couldn’t smile, I just didn’t have the energy to be able to, and I got into a discussion with a member of staff (which I know shouldn’t have happened) and I basically got told to get on with it, the one and only time of working there, which is 7 and half months, I had a bad day, I got told to get one with it, I’m clearly not coping and when I answered with, this is the first time anyone has seen me cry, the first time I have had a bad day and the first time I have been able to speak to anyone about how I am feeling and that means I’m not coping, the reply was a shrug of the shoulders. From that day I have plastered this smile on my face, and when people have asked I am perfectly fine until today.
Today was a bad day, but I live in hope that tomorrow will be a better day.