Happy… what’s that??

Every single time I get excited or happy about anything it all comes crashing down around me. I had two happy upbeat posts I wanted to write today, one all about the summer holidays and even though I have missed out on half of the time with my kids about how we are having so much fun camping and having days out, the other all about Lily’s birthday party which I had planned for 17th September as that’s when all the family could join us and now I have to rearrange everything.

I had a text this morning to inform me that their Dad had booked a holiday for 16th to 18th September and was it ok for him to take them. Well of course I can’t say no can I… I can’t deny them a holiday, but deep down I am absolutely heartbroken. Firstly that I will miss them, I have only ever spent 1 night away from them a week and although it will only be two nights, it will absolutely break me. Secondly that I will miss Lily’s birthday weekend, I know we can celebrate the weekend after but I had everything planned for this weekend, not only that her birthday is falling on a Thursday this year so she will spend the night sleeping at her Dad’s. This break up completely broke me, now it is breaking me for a completely different reason.

My heart broke when he left, I never thought I would ever be ok or happy again, and a year down the line I have happy days but I’m not 100% happy, but now I am lost. I hate that I have to share my kids, I hate that I have to ask his permission to see my kids on their birthday if they are with him, I hate that I will miss weekends, maybe even weeks with them if he takes them on holiday, I hate that although I’m their mum in every single way that I am a part time mum and have to share birthdays, Christmases, holidays!

Just when I start to get happy and excited about something it all comes crashing down around me. To some this may be trivial, I may be over reacting, but I am so fed up of being the nice guy who lets everyone get their own way even if it means I am left alone… which happens… a lot. I also know that I will never be able to change. No matter how many times I get upset over decisions that I make, I will never ever let myself come first. I bend over backwards to ensure that everyone else is okay, especially my children, and I am ok with that, even if I get frustrated and annoyed at times I won’t change who I am! I will continue to bend over backwards to ensure everyone else is happy and I will hope that karma will one day return the favour and help me out!

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