Happy… what’s that??

Every single time I get excited or happy about anything it all comes crashing down around me. I had two happy upbeat posts I wanted to write today, one all about the summer holidays and even though I have missed out on half of the time with my kids about how we are having so much fun camping and having days out, the other all about Lily’s birthday party which I had planned for 17th September as that’s when all the family could join us and now I have to rearrange everything.

I had a text this morning to inform me that their Dad had booked a holiday for 16th to 18th September and was it ok for him to take them. Well of course I can’t say no can I… I can’t deny them a holiday, but deep down I am absolutely heartbroken. Firstly that I will miss them, I have only ever spent 1 night away from them a week and although it will only be two nights, it will absolutely break me. Secondly that I will miss Lily’s birthday weekend, I know we can celebrate the weekend after but I had everything planned for this weekend, not only that her birthday is falling on a Thursday this year so she will spend the night sleeping at her Dad’s. This break up completely broke me, now it is breaking me for a completely different reason.

My heart broke when he left, I never thought I would ever be ok or happy again, and a year down the line I have happy days but I’m not 100% happy, but now I am lost. I hate that I have to share my kids, I hate that I have to ask his permission to see my kids on their birthday if they are with him, I hate that I will miss weekends, maybe even weeks with them if he takes them on holiday, I hate that although I’m their mum in every single way that I am a part time mum and have to share birthdays, Christmases, holidays!

Just when I start to get happy and excited about something it all comes crashing down around me. To some this may be trivial, I may be over reacting, but I am so fed up of being the nice guy who lets everyone get their own way even if it means I am left alone… which happens… a lot. I also know that I will never be able to change. No matter how many times I get upset over decisions that I make, I will never ever let myself come first. I bend over backwards to ensure that everyone else is okay, especially my children, and I am ok with that, even if I get frustrated and annoyed at times I won’t change who I am! I will continue to bend over backwards to ensure everyone else is happy and I will hope that karma will one day return the favour and help me out!

I’m struggling….

I think today is the first time I admitted to even myself that I am not in a good place and I am struggling mentally. I tried and tried to push it down and to try and forget about the bad parts but its impossible. Eight months on from when my whole world came crashing down around me and I thought by now I would be ok, I’m not… I have never been, I just pretend and put on a happy face to benefit those around me, so they don’t have to help me through anything, and today I realised why.

I had an awful dream last night, as we all know April 1st is April fools day, I had a dream that Dan came round and told me he had made a huge mistake and he was sorry, I believed every second of it until he laughed in my face and told me April fools! Even my mind is playing horrible tricks on me! So I was in a down mood to wake up with, then I came downstairs to my washing machine broken with all of my work uniforms in so I had to go to work with trousers that didn’t fit right, a t-shirt I wasn’t comfortable in and I was pissed, I was angry and I was just not in a good place, and I was in a “bad mood” I didn’t have a smile on my face and I wasn’t going to pretend to be happy, I wasn’t – and people noticed – comments were made and I felt drained. Then I remembered back to when I first started working again, just two and half weeks after the worst day of my life and I was away from my three amazing babies when I really didn’t want to be, I had to leave them because I had no choice, if I wanted to provide them with everything they needed, I had to go back to work. I had that perfect smile plastered on my face and everyone at work thought that I was ok, no one genuinely asked, no one wanted to I don’t think but I wasn’t ok. Every work day I would wake up dreading my start time, and as it drew nearer that smile kept coming back to help me through yet another day of doing something I didn’t want to do through no choice of my own. Until one day I couldn’t smile, I just didn’t have the energy to be able to, and I got into a discussion with a member of staff (which I know shouldn’t have happened) and I basically got told to get on with it, the one and only time of working there, which is 7 and half months, I had a bad day, I got told to get one with it, I’m clearly not coping and when I answered with, this is the first time anyone has seen me cry, the first time I have had a bad day and the first time I have been able to speak to anyone about how I am feeling and that means I’m not coping, the reply was a shrug of the shoulders. From that day I have plastered this smile on my face, and when people have asked I am perfectly fine until today.

Today was a bad day, but I live in hope that tomorrow will be a better day.