I can’t believe it has been six months since I last wrote a post and what a turn around these last six months have been!! I couldn’t have asked for a better end to 2016 which has continued to be a great start to 2017.
Just 3 weeks after writing that last post I met someone new, someone who liked me who I liked back! I never ever thought I that it would happen but it did. After worrying about Lily’s birthday weekend with her going away with her dad, I went on a lovely weekend away to Blackpool with my new partner. So I was expecting to be sad and lonely and counting down the seconds until the children returned. However I wasn’t sad or lonely. I was still counting down the seconds until my babies returned but I knew they were having a fantastic time, and so was I.
To re-start the blog or not?
I’m still deciding on whether or not I will continue to blog. I have had the most amazing six months and I have no idea where to start blogging again, or if I have the time, or even what I would blog about now??!
I have also restarted my degree, so I have completed two essays for that and have another two to complete to pass my 3rd year out of six. So there is a lot going good at the minute, I just don’t want to jinx it!!
Harry is doing fantastic after starting school this year and he absolutely loves it and he has finally been tested for allergies and he is allergic to egg and house mites!!
Declan is loving his football every week and still hates anything to do with reading and homework (most of the time).
Lily has just restarted her gymnastics again after moving clubs and has been twice so far and absolutely loving it. She is still loving to read and everything else that live throws at her.
So there is a little update on where we are all at! Lets hope that this year is the best year yet!!
Every single time I get excited or happy about anything it all comes crashing down around me. I had two happy upbeat posts I wanted to write today, one all about the summer holidays and even though I have missed out on half of the time with my kids about how we are having so much fun camping and having days out, the other all about Lily’s birthday party which I had planned for 17th September as that’s when all the family could join us and now I have to rearrange everything.
I had a text this morning to inform me that their Dad had booked a holiday for 16th to 18th September and was it ok for him to take them. Well of course I can’t say no can I… I can’t deny them a holiday, but deep down I am absolutely heartbroken. Firstly that I will miss them, I have only ever spent 1 night away from them a week and although it will only be two nights, it will absolutely break me. Secondly that I will miss Lily’s birthday weekend, I know we can celebrate the weekend after but I had everything planned for this weekend, not only that her birthday is falling on a Thursday this year so she will spend the night sleeping at her Dad’s. This break up completely broke me, now it is breaking me for a completely different reason.
My heart broke when he left, I never thought I would ever be ok or happy again, and a year down the line I have happy days but I’m not 100% happy, but now I am lost. I hate that I have to share my kids, I hate that I have to ask his permission to see my kids on their birthday if they are with him, I hate that I will miss weekends, maybe even weeks with them if he takes them on holiday, I hate that although I’m their mum in every single way that I am a part time mum and have to share birthdays, Christmases, holidays!
Just when I start to get happy and excited about something it all comes crashing down around me. To some this may be trivial, I may be over reacting, but I am so fed up of being the nice guy who lets everyone get their own way even if it means I am left alone… which happens… a lot. I also know that I will never be able to change. No matter how many times I get upset over decisions that I make, I will never ever let myself come first. I bend over backwards to ensure that everyone else is okay, especially my children, and I am ok with that, even if I get frustrated and annoyed at times I won’t change who I am! I will continue to bend over backwards to ensure everyone else is happy and I will hope that karma will one day return the favour and help me out!
I think today is the first time I admitted to even myself that I am not in a good place and I am struggling mentally. I tried and tried to push it down and to try and forget about the bad parts but its impossible. Eight months on from when my whole world came crashing down around me and I thought by now I would be ok, I’m not… I have never been, I just pretend and put on a happy face to benefit those around me, so they don’t have to help me through anything, and today I realised why.
I had an awful dream last night, as we all know April 1st is April fools day, I had a dream that Dan came round and told me he had made a huge mistake and he was sorry, I believed every second of it until he laughed in my face and told me April fools! Even my mind is playing horrible tricks on me! So I was in a down mood to wake up with, then I came downstairs to my washing machine broken with all of my work uniforms in so I had to go to work with trousers that didn’t fit right, a t-shirt I wasn’t comfortable in and I was pissed, I was angry and I was just not in a good place, and I was in a “bad mood” I didn’t have a smile on my face and I wasn’t going to pretend to be happy, I wasn’t – and people noticed – comments were made and I felt drained. Then I remembered back to when I first started working again, just two and half weeks after the worst day of my life and I was away from my three amazing babies when I really didn’t want to be, I had to leave them because I had no choice, if I wanted to provide them with everything they needed, I had to go back to work. I had that perfect smile plastered on my face and everyone at work thought that I was ok, no one genuinely asked, no one wanted to I don’t think but I wasn’t ok. Every work day I would wake up dreading my start time, and as it drew nearer that smile kept coming back to help me through yet another day of doing something I didn’t want to do through no choice of my own. Until one day I couldn’t smile, I just didn’t have the energy to be able to, and I got into a discussion with a member of staff (which I know shouldn’t have happened) and I basically got told to get on with it, the one and only time of working there, which is 7 and half months, I had a bad day, I got told to get one with it, I’m clearly not coping and when I answered with, this is the first time anyone has seen me cry, the first time I have had a bad day and the first time I have been able to speak to anyone about how I am feeling and that means I’m not coping, the reply was a shrug of the shoulders. From that day I have plastered this smile on my face, and when people have asked I am perfectly fine until today.
Today was a bad day, but I live in hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
So earlier this evening I posted Ill Children and working! saying that I hated having to leave them to go to work, well I drafted that post last Wednesday with every intention of posting it Thursday evening after adding the photos!
However, Thursday at work I felt really achy, not necessarily unwell but not 100% either. That night I went to get my hair done and the hairdresser commented on how tired I looked, so I put it all down to being up all week with the kids! Friday I wasn’t much different, not ill but not well, just bleugh! So I left Declan and Harry and went to work. Slowly throughout the day I felt worse and worse and come Friday night it was movie and bath and bed for us all!
Am I tired or ill?
By Saturday morning I was ill! I could barely stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time! This weekend has been horrible, it was the first weekend that we had no plans! My plans were to spend some quality time with the kids and take them somewhere nice and just enjoy the time together. Instead I spent the whole weekend lay on the couch letting the kids do what ever they wanted! Believe me they enjoyed it completely, but I hated it! I felt inadequate and I felt completely useless, I thought going to work and leaving my kids home without me was the hardest thing to do, being home alone with the kids when you feel so unwell that you can’t do anything was the hardest weekend as a parent I have had so far. I had to rely on Lily to help make juice for the boys, rely on the telly, playstation and kindles to keep the kids occupied, everything I tried to I physically couldn’t do!
This weekend may have been one of the hardest. But also one of the best! It has made me see how amazing my three children are! They have been absolute stars this weekend when I needed them to be the most and even though we didn’t physically do anything this weekend I couldn’t be any prouder of the little people they are becoming!
I dreaded waking up this morning and still feeling as ill as I have over the weekend but thankfully I felt much better this morning and now just have cold symptoms!!
I am planning on a much better weekend this weekend, starting with a trip to pizza hut for tea!! Lily’s choice as she was so amazing this weekend that’s what she wanted to go, I’m also hoping the wind dies down so I can take them to the RSPB too! They love it there!
Last Friday night I was woken by Harry screaming, I ran in and picked him up and he was so hot, I have never known his temperature ever be that high, or any of the others for that matter! I gave him paracetamol and in my bed with just his blanket, I didn’t have the thermometer, I have no idea where it has gone in the move. Saturday I went and bought a new one and checked his temperature straight away and it was 38.5!! So since Saturday he has been having ibuprofen and paracetamol alternated every 2 hours but I couldn’t get his temperature below 38. I knew he was ok and the fever was fighting any infection he may have but Tuesday his temp rose to 39.5 and he wasn’t due any medicine for another hour. Doctors appoinment made and turns out he has an ear infection poor little man. Tuesday adgternoon Declan was also sent home ill from school after being sick in the reception, and Wednesday I was due back in work, I know I only work three half days a week, but when one of my children is ill at home there is nothing I want to do more than to stay home and cuddling them all day and to have to leave them both yesterday (although Declan was perfectly fine) was horrible.
There are a lot of new things that are happening in 2016 for me and my amazing children. We are now over 3 weeks into the new year and although we have had a few hiccups along the way we are slowly getting there.
There is no denying the past 7 months have been the worst of my life, I am absolutely torn between the person I was, the person I am being and the person I want to be. Knowing that the people who you thought would be there for you aren’t and no matter how much you try it hurts! There is nothing worse than seeing the man that you once loved appear in front of you as a complete stranger. It is a horrible feeling to go through knowing that the man I loved no longer exists, and therefore the woman he loved no longer exists either – and I was just started to like her and feel comfortable.
This is the transformation that I have had to take in less than a month! On 24th July I was in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams who I love dearly and was so happy with it was unbelievable. We had three beautiful children together and a whole adult life of memories together.
I was a stay at home mum who was heavily involved in school life and everything about it, I was studying to become a teacher once all the children were in full time school, I was able to help out all of the mums and pick up their children from school if they were running late, I was involved in every aspect of my children’s life as my job as a stay at home mum.
Unfortunately on the 25th July I became a single stay at home mum with no income and no means of living comfortably unless I got a job. This involved loosing out on my whole summer holidays of fun with the kids as I couldn’t afford the days out.
I was a complete mess, for 2 days I refused to see anyone at all, no one was allowed into my house, and even on the 3rd 4th days I wasn’t ready to see people but it got to the point where I didn’t have a choice. But on the 28th it was as if a switch had clicked and I decided I could either mope about and feel sorry for myself or I could stand up and get on with it. So I got a job, working 3 afternoons a week, it does mean I won’t be able to take Harry to school 3 days a week and I won’t be able to pick my kids up for those days either but I will be able to treat them to days out and give them a roof over their heads and food in their belly’s and it will be because of everything that I have done and what I have worked hard for.
I have been a working mum now for 2 weeks and its not all bad, it is hard and I hate the loneliness that I feel every single night but I am grateful for the interaction I get when I am working, if I wasn’t working I would be lonely 24/7 and that would be harder!
So in just 1 day my whole life turned upside down and I have a long way to go but I have already come so far!
With the big kiddies off camping I decided to take Harry and my nephew to Gullivers World. I took the big two last year and they absolutely loved it but Harry was a little too small then to go, so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.
As the kids were smaller than 90cm we didn’t have to pay for them and I ordered my tickets online and I paid £26 for an all inclusive ticket and for that we got the entrance fee, a meal, a drink and an ice cream. When we got there we paid for the children to become all inclusive too which was £9 and they also received a £1 voucher off any purchase in the shop.
So once we had paid the extra and headed in we went straight to the rides! The first few were the cups, an aeroplane ride, a train ride and a barrel ride.
The Summer Holidays aren’t what I expected them to be! I had so many plans for this year and so many things I wanted to do but unfortunately things don’t work out how we wanted them too!
Week 1 – 18th JUL – 24th JUL
Sat, Sun, Mon and Tuesday were all pretty quiet, we were packing and getting ready for going away for our first anniversary! My cousins had the children and they went to Drayton Manor and Cadbury World whilst we went out for a lovely all you can eat chinese and to The Glee Club afterwards to watch the comedy carousel and it was such an amazing night! Friday we went to the cinema to watch Inside Out.
Week 2 – 25th JUL – 31st JUL
Saturday on the way home we went to the Ice Cream Farm in Cheshire which was a lovely and then on the way home my whole world was turned upside down, Dan decided that he no longer wanted to be with me that he was no longer happy with me, the next two days were a total blur and I did nothing but cry, then Monday night it was as if a light switched on and I realised I had two choices, I could sit at home and mope about – which believe me I could quite easily have done – or I could get off my backside and make something of myself. I had to step up for me and for my three amazing kids and I needed to show them that I was ok! I didn’t want them to dislike their dad in the slightest and I knew that moping about and them seeing that would paint him in a bad light, so I stepped up and sorted myself out. We watched movies, and enjoyed time together!!
Well busy is one word to describe it! The rest of June and beginning of July was spent helping out at the school, starting a little business from home selling Usborne Books and planning the summer holidays 🙂
July 23rd brought our 1st wedding anniversary and we went out for a lovely meal and The Glee Club in Birmingham which was amazing, but unfortunately on the way home from our time away my husband decided that he wasn’t happy anymore and decided to leave me. The rest of July was a bit of a blur and to be honest I thought so much about deleting my blog and not doing it anymore, but nearly 4 weeks down the line and I am lonely, and I think I need the blog now more than ever!
August brought the death of Dan’s grandad which was a horrible experience to have to go through, his family are being amazing but I felt this enormous pang of grief and in my head I am thinking I am not part of the family anymore why should I feel this grief! My whole adult life I have been with him and his family as my family all live West Midlands way and I moved to Wales to be with him, so they are my support network as such and now I am sat here lonely and bored so I have decided that I will keep the blog going and get back on track with it to keep me from going insane at night time!!
So the holidays have been completely thrown around and to add wood to the fire Harry got a chest infection and ended up in hospital on oxygen for three nights!