Every single time I get excited or happy about anything it all comes crashing down around me. I had two happy upbeat posts I wanted to write today, one all about the summer holidays and even though I have missed out on half of the time with my kids about how we are having so much fun camping and having days out, the other all about Lily’s birthday party which I had planned for 17th September as that’s when all the family could join us and now I have to rearrange everything.
I had a text this morning to inform me that their Dad had booked a holiday for 16th to 18th September and was it ok for him to take them. Well of course I can’t say no can I… I can’t deny them a holiday, but deep down I am absolutely heartbroken. Firstly that I will miss them, I have only ever spent 1 night away from them a week and although it will only be two nights, it will absolutely break me. Secondly that I will miss Lily’s birthday weekend, I know we can celebrate the weekend after but I had everything planned for this weekend, not only that her birthday is falling on a Thursday this year so she will spend the night sleeping at her Dad’s. This break up completely broke me, now it is breaking me for a completely different reason.
My heart broke when he left, I never thought I would ever be ok or happy again, and a year down the line I have happy days but I’m not 100% happy, but now I am lost. I hate that I have to share my kids, I hate that I have to ask his permission to see my kids on their birthday if they are with him, I hate that I will miss weekends, maybe even weeks with them if he takes them on holiday, I hate that although I’m their mum in every single way that I am a part time mum and have to share birthdays, Christmases, holidays!
Just when I start to get happy and excited about something it all comes crashing down around me. To some this may be trivial, I may be over reacting, but I am so fed up of being the nice guy who lets everyone get their own way even if it means I am left alone… which happens… a lot. I also know that I will never be able to change. No matter how many times I get upset over decisions that I make, I will never ever let myself come first. I bend over backwards to ensure that everyone else is okay, especially my children, and I am ok with that, even if I get frustrated and annoyed at times I won’t change who I am! I will continue to bend over backwards to ensure everyone else is happy and I will hope that karma will one day return the favour and help me out!
And it is now 1.30am on a Monday morning and I have to be up in 6 hours – yes in the holidays!!!! – to get my little dude ready for a football camp fun thing he is going to be taking part in! But I am getting far to carried away with planning my little ladies EIGHTH birthday party!! I have no idea when she went from the tiny baby I held in my arms for so long but now she is this amazing lady who no longer wants princess parties – she wants a Harry Potter themed party, she is obsessed with all things Harry Potter. I am certainly not complaining lot by a long shot, I am however getting far too carried away with her birthday plans. So I have left a little welcome back to the blogging world post here, I want to get back into blogging, not sure which direction my blog will take, or what I will even write about, but I do want to get back into the writing side of it! So for now I will leave you with this post and I will, hopefully, be back tomorrow with a post all about her birthday plans so far – or maybe even a post about our summer holiday plans… depending on how far I get with the birthday plans!
I think today is the first time I admitted to even myself that I am not in a good place and I am struggling mentally. I tried and tried to push it down and to try and forget about the bad parts but its impossible. Eight months on from when my whole world came crashing down around me and I thought by now I would be ok, I’m not… I have never been, I just pretend and put on a happy face to benefit those around me, so they don’t have to help me through anything, and today I realised why.
I had an awful dream last night, as we all know April 1st is April fools day, I had a dream that Dan came round and told me he had made a huge mistake and he was sorry, I believed every second of it until he laughed in my face and told me April fools! Even my mind is playing horrible tricks on me! So I was in a down mood to wake up with, then I came downstairs to my washing machine broken with all of my work uniforms in so I had to go to work with trousers that didn’t fit right, a t-shirt I wasn’t comfortable in and I was pissed, I was angry and I was just not in a good place, and I was in a “bad mood” I didn’t have a smile on my face and I wasn’t going to pretend to be happy, I wasn’t – and people noticed – comments were made and I felt drained. Then I remembered back to when I first started working again, just two and half weeks after the worst day of my life and I was away from my three amazing babies when I really didn’t want to be, I had to leave them because I had no choice, if I wanted to provide them with everything they needed, I had to go back to work. I had that perfect smile plastered on my face and everyone at work thought that I was ok, no one genuinely asked, no one wanted to I don’t think but I wasn’t ok. Every work day I would wake up dreading my start time, and as it drew nearer that smile kept coming back to help me through yet another day of doing something I didn’t want to do through no choice of my own. Until one day I couldn’t smile, I just didn’t have the energy to be able to, and I got into a discussion with a member of staff (which I know shouldn’t have happened) and I basically got told to get on with it, the one and only time of working there, which is 7 and half months, I had a bad day, I got told to get one with it, I’m clearly not coping and when I answered with, this is the first time anyone has seen me cry, the first time I have had a bad day and the first time I have been able to speak to anyone about how I am feeling and that means I’m not coping, the reply was a shrug of the shoulders. From that day I have plastered this smile on my face, and when people have asked I am perfectly fine until today.
Today was a bad day, but I live in hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
So earlier this evening I posted Ill Children and working! saying that I hated having to leave them to go to work, well I drafted that post last Wednesday with every intention of posting it Thursday evening after adding the photos!
However, Thursday at work I felt really achy, not necessarily unwell but not 100% either. That night I went to get my hair done and the hairdresser commented on how tired I looked, so I put it all down to being up all week with the kids! Friday I wasn’t much different, not ill but not well, just bleugh! So I left Declan and Harry and went to work. Slowly throughout the day I felt worse and worse and come Friday night it was movie and bath and bed for us all!
Am I tired or ill?
By Saturday morning I was ill! I could barely stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time! This weekend has been horrible, it was the first weekend that we had no plans! My plans were to spend some quality time with the kids and take them somewhere nice and just enjoy the time together. Instead I spent the whole weekend lay on the couch letting the kids do what ever they wanted! Believe me they enjoyed it completely, but I hated it! I felt inadequate and I felt completely useless, I thought going to work and leaving my kids home without me was the hardest thing to do, being home alone with the kids when you feel so unwell that you can’t do anything was the hardest weekend as a parent I have had so far. I had to rely on Lily to help make juice for the boys, rely on the telly, playstation and kindles to keep the kids occupied, everything I tried to I physically couldn’t do!
This weekend may have been one of the hardest. But also one of the best! It has made me see how amazing my three children are! They have been absolute stars this weekend when I needed them to be the most and even though we didn’t physically do anything this weekend I couldn’t be any prouder of the little people they are becoming!
I dreaded waking up this morning and still feeling as ill as I have over the weekend but thankfully I felt much better this morning and now just have cold symptoms!!
I am planning on a much better weekend this weekend, starting with a trip to pizza hut for tea!! Lily’s choice as she was so amazing this weekend that’s what she wanted to go, I’m also hoping the wind dies down so I can take them to the RSPB too! They love it there!
Last Friday night I was woken by Harry screaming, I ran in and picked him up and he was so hot, I have never known his temperature ever be that high, or any of the others for that matter! I gave him paracetamol and in my bed with just his blanket, I didn’t have the thermometer, I have no idea where it has gone in the move. Saturday I went and bought a new one and checked his temperature straight away and it was 38.5!! So since Saturday he has been having ibuprofen and paracetamol alternated every 2 hours but I couldn’t get his temperature below 38. I knew he was ok and the fever was fighting any infection he may have but Tuesday his temp rose to 39.5 and he wasn’t due any medicine for another hour. Doctors appoinment made and turns out he has an ear infection poor little man. Tuesday adgternoon Declan was also sent home ill from school after being sick in the reception, and Wednesday I was due back in work, I know I only work three half days a week, but when one of my children is ill at home there is nothing I want to do more than to stay home and cuddling them all day and to have to leave them both yesterday (although Declan was perfectly fine) was horrible.
There are a lot of new things that are happening in 2016 for me and my amazing children. We are now over 3 weeks into the new year and although we have had a few hiccups along the way we are slowly getting there.
There is no denying the past 7 months have been the worst of my life, I am absolutely torn between the person I was, the person I am being and the person I want to be. Knowing that the people who you thought would be there for you aren’t and no matter how much you try it hurts! There is nothing worse than seeing the man that you once loved appear in front of you as a complete stranger. It is a horrible feeling to go through knowing that the man I loved no longer exists, and therefore the woman he loved no longer exists either – and I was just started to like her and feel comfortable.
I’m getting fed up of not posting, every night I sit and think oo I could blog about that, and then I never do!! I really want to blog again, I want to make time for it, I want to be completely organised in everything I’m doing… but I’m not. So as I sit writing this I have a to do list as long as my arm and I have no idea where to start,
December is fast approaching and that is always a hectic time for me and I want to remember every second, so this week I am going to blog every day – or at least try – in preparation for my mad December daily posts about elves, activities, days out and fun times with my three amazing kids.
Tonight has been spent editing photos that I have taken of other people and their families on a Christmas background, I love doing it and I love peoples reactions to them but I do not love how long they take to sort through. So I am back off to finish editing those so I have more time to blog about other things tomorrow (and maybe even share my photos I took of my children!)
It is so not easy! Even though I’m not working many hours, I am struggling so bad with my time keeping! My work situation at the minute isn’t great for me or the kids, I am hating every second of being away from them, I hate that I have to work on Christmas Eve too!! There are just so many things that I don’t like about working. I know there are so many more people who are working more hours than me and much harder than me but I wasn’t ready to be back in work, it wasn’t a choice that I made, it was forced upon me. So I have made the decision to start childminding and work from home. I will be able to spend more time with my children and hopefully manage my time better allowing me to blog a lot more!!
It is half term this week and I have so much planned for this week! It is Harry’s 3rd Birthday in 2 weeks and so on Sunday we are all going to Peppa Pig World and I cannot wait, then we are staying with family and going to watch Peter Pan and then on Wednesday we are going to see Disney on Ice before heading home to Wales ready for work on Thursday, then Saturday we will be off Trick or Treating and then off to watch the fireworks!
So be expecting a few posts next weekend about our fun week away and now I am signing off and trying to complete my work for childminding!
This is the transformation that I have had to take in less than a month! On 24th July I was in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams who I love dearly and was so happy with it was unbelievable. We had three beautiful children together and a whole adult life of memories together.
I was a stay at home mum who was heavily involved in school life and everything about it, I was studying to become a teacher once all the children were in full time school, I was able to help out all of the mums and pick up their children from school if they were running late, I was involved in every aspect of my children’s life as my job as a stay at home mum.
Unfortunately on the 25th July I became a single stay at home mum with no income and no means of living comfortably unless I got a job. This involved loosing out on my whole summer holidays of fun with the kids as I couldn’t afford the days out.
I was a complete mess, for 2 days I refused to see anyone at all, no one was allowed into my house, and even on the 3rd 4th days I wasn’t ready to see people but it got to the point where I didn’t have a choice. But on the 28th it was as if a switch had clicked and I decided I could either mope about and feel sorry for myself or I could stand up and get on with it. So I got a job, working 3 afternoons a week, it does mean I won’t be able to take Harry to school 3 days a week and I won’t be able to pick my kids up for those days either but I will be able to treat them to days out and give them a roof over their heads and food in their belly’s and it will be because of everything that I have done and what I have worked hard for.
I have been a working mum now for 2 weeks and its not all bad, it is hard and I hate the loneliness that I feel every single night but I am grateful for the interaction I get when I am working, if I wasn’t working I would be lonely 24/7 and that would be harder!
So in just 1 day my whole life turned upside down and I have a long way to go but I have already come so far!
With the big kiddies off camping I decided to take Harry and my nephew to Gullivers World. I took the big two last year and they absolutely loved it but Harry was a little too small then to go, so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.
As the kids were smaller than 90cm we didn’t have to pay for them and I ordered my tickets online and I paid £26 for an all inclusive ticket and for that we got the entrance fee, a meal, a drink and an ice cream. When we got there we paid for the children to become all inclusive too which was £9 and they also received a £1 voucher off any purchase in the shop.
So once we had paid the extra and headed in we went straight to the rides! The first few were the cups, an aeroplane ride, a train ride and a barrel ride.